I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
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