A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
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you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
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I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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