I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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