That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
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