The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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