Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
