So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
