you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
