I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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