Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
