i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
