I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
