Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
