you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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