The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
