i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
