they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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