im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
