Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
