Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
