I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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