Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
