my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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