Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
