people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
