Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
