if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
