The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
