I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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