Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
