If i could tip my vagina, i would.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
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today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
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I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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