There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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