Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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