I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
