i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
