I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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