Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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