having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
