I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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