Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
ttyl tear gas
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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