My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
