its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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