Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
