after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
