I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
The ass gains better be worth it
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