the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
