Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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