If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
