i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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