I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
