I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
