so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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