So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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