And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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